April 2006

Sunday, April 30, 2006

gazes, smiles, wishes
she walked past and paused long enough to smile, really smile into his blue eyes. it would have been too akward and forced to stop and hold a conversation to tell him what she really thought and tell him how sad she was when she saw him.not sad about the past or the future, but sad that his life wasn't full. it wasn't her place to determine fullness, but his just seemed empty. creative artistry gone to waste behind clouds of mindless smoke. this time she tried. she stopped, smiled and attempted to put paragraphs of meaning behind her eyes and smile. did he actually get it? "i'm happy, life is bursting at the seams, i am in love and i wish the same for you." he actually smiled back. it wasn't a smile with only his mouth but also with his eyes. he looked a little puzzled by her look, but he challanged it with meaning of his own.she wasn't sure if she got it. she imagined that he was saying he was trying, or at least tonight he was happy, happy with the girl he was with, happy with life, happy with the future. maybe it was her own wishful thinking that interpreted his gaze to that extent, but she really believed that maybe he would be okay.
posted by bekah @ 8:44 PM 1 comments

Friday, April 21, 2006

on finishing
i feel like i should write something significant, deep, reflective here in the last hours before my senior theatre project. it's crazy to think back on my freshman year and realize that i have come a long way, there is no way i could have done this four years ago. my friendships have changed, realtionships have begun, art has been learned and i am putting all of that and myself and my training into a space of an hour. in just over 60 mintutes i will begin and end my culmination. i am proud of it. i am also humbled by God's grace and awed by his love.tonight i feel independent, and that's good.
posted by bekah @ 1:32 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

springtime
springtime makes me think of other springs. and i wonder stuff. and then i want to write stories. maybe when the stp is over i will write stories again.
posted by bekah @ 11:07 AM 0 comments

Thursday, April 13, 2006

when i became her
i feel sort of stuck, like a poem on a page, like i've crawled inside the words of my script, forgetting where they came from i put them back on and make them mine this time. the channel is wiped clean and i only see a fuzzy origin i make my own and here my troubles start.i am not like this, but i have become this. the art makes the creator its own and i'm lost to the pain and wondering of what is in my hands and in my body. the dark imagination of her mind is now here and from this i write.i used to act, but now i live. i feel everything inside is a paradox or in such violent contrast that my nerve endings are vibrating with blue volts. i'm giddy and anguished, or maybe my confusion makes me giddy and just a little too excited about something, i'm not sure what.when i sit still every muscle fiber is jittering even if nothing moves across your vision. my thoughts are flitting and won't settle long enough to cry or laugh and so i hover between the two, constantly plucking the rubber band that keeps these waves chasing each other with speed.i'm not like this. i have never been her. until now. until the thing i created took me and made a new me. a me i don't like, a me i've never known or met. but this is it. people are strange to me. distant, far. they touch me and i don't know whether to scratch the sensation of their touch off my skin or make theirs bleed instead.i want a drug or pill that will stop the vibrating in my head and muslces. calm me. stop my thoughts and my feelings (if that's what they even be called). where do i begin, how will you fix me?
posted by bekah @ 11:23 AM 0 comments

Sunday, April 02, 2006

kissing and subways
lost in his kiss she remembered the belgium subway. was his tounge like the subway, her mouth the underground tunnel? a strange time for a memory like that. it was the first time she had ever thought about that subway and she recalled that it was hardly her favorite. she was with susan that day and they both had britaney spear's "toxic" stuck in their head. oh well, banish the thought she told her brain. she had a much more interesting thing taking her attention, his lips, his tounges, every thing together. the way his arms wrapped the whole way around her back and how she had to stand on tiptoe to hug his neck. the way her neck would lean back and her smile would explode and how she wanted to hop and giggle with the overwhelming love she felt. and so she would. he didn't care. he smiled back and then kissed her some more.
posted by bekah @ 2:48 PM 0 comments

March 2006

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

thoughts
the tears in my eyes are a testament to where i've beenthe shit i've seen.but they are a marker, those things make me weepin light of grace.now i hope for joy even when it is all so thick and lonelyand wait for love.time passes and there it is before my face, my soul can knowthis true love.bound in friend, in art, in hurt, in smudge, in knowledgeit's here.no kiss could seal the bind of our our souls or spur us pastour hope.the fact that we know and don't just feel is enough to proveit is real.
posted by bekah @ 11:25 PM 0 comments

Thursday, March 02, 2006

know
when they say "you just know" they mean exactly that. it's "know" not "feel". that's how i knew.don't say we're not in love b/c my head won't believe you.
posted by bekah @ 11:37 PM 0 comments

February 2006

Saturday, February 25, 2006

a not so secret thought
whoa. God, does the craziest things sometimes. tonight it was date night with dan and, holy smokes, quite the date it turned out to be. we bundled up and headed out for an "adventure". we walked through town and headed out 42 until we came across and empty lot. we went through the field and then through some woods until we climbed down between some rock faces near the stream. dan pulled out a blanket and we bundled up and watched the stars blink through the black, naked branches of the trees. we talked, just talked and talked and let the silence do some more talking for us. God stuff, life, everything, us. the way it always is.at one point i told him that i really liked me. he returned the comment and then the silence fell heavy with a phrase neither of us had the courage to say. dan said he wanted to say more but felt it might be best to wait and i agreed.we got up and walked back through the trees until we stepped out into the edge of the field where the sky seemed to rip open thousand more stars, just for us. we stood there speachless, just marveling at God. and then dan said. "if i love you, i might as well say it....Rebekah Nettekoven I love you.""i love you dan tello.""is it alright if i kiss you?""yes" it was just a whisper as our lips met underneath the billion stars and their lights and under the cold night expance and under God.the funny thing was the whole "i love you" phrase was one of the most rational, reasoned thougths i've ever had. in fact that's what i referenced in the last post. i'm not sure why, but i knew, without the fuzziness, b/c i never trust an emotional buzz, that this was it. it was okay to say it and i really really meant it. i meant it with all that i am now and all that i will become in the future. i know it's there. so crazy. coming from me, the most independent of people. this was the last place i saw myself.regardless that adventure will last in my head forever. and ever. wow. i love dan tello. and dan tello loves me.
posted by bekah @ 10:19 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

a not joke
i'm not even kidding when i say i like dan, a lot.i won't say the completely rational thought that crossed my head the other day. it's a secret for in my head.
posted by bekah @ 11:57 PM 0 comments

Monday, February 20, 2006

journal
it's lost! where could it be??
posted by bekah @ 11:31 AM 0 comments

Saturday, February 18, 2006

i really like my boyfriend, a lot!last night we talked the whole way to xenia about his sister and all her problems that she's dealing with right now and then we bought stuff to make banana splits. we rented the motorcyle diares for only 53 cents and came back and ate while we watched the movie. it was so nice to be in his arms while we talked afterwards and realize that for both of us this is the first time everything has made sense at all the levels. friendship, interests, music and movie preferences, God stuff. it's so neat. the other day we walked in the rain, and stood in the masonic lodge parking lot as we talked about God and let our selves get soaking wet. that is what life should be, and for right now, it is.
posted by bekah @ 9:12 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

remember when....
...i only used this for all the crappy stuff, the stupid mistakes and anger issues.well today i use it to smile on the world, smile at God and smile at the wonderful boy he's put at my side. Dan is amazingly caring, honest, real, ARTISTIC!, godly, funny, skinny and HOT!we had a wonderful valentine's day date. fish and chips with a pint to wash it all down. tasty and fun. i honestly feel a little freaked out by the title, i'm not sure i want to be "taken" but i do not feel trapped. it will just take some getting used to b/c this kid is seriously from God. i couldn't have made it happen if i wanted to.i like dan tello. and you're not allowed to!
posted by bekah @ 12:23 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

new title
i am a girlfriend of dan tello!!!!!!
posted by bekah @ 12:14 AM 0 comments

Thursday, February 09, 2006

prayer
saturday night dan tello told me that he liked me and asked me on a date. he now seems to be my "not" boyfriend. esentially we will hold hands, hang out at somepoint everyday but we aren't "offically" dating yet.last night i was talking to tori online and she was freaking out and i was getting upset and angry and dan just stopped me at one point and asked if i wanted to pray about it. it was just like when dad prays with me on stuff that i don't know what's happening. it was so cool. i wanted to cry, to curl up in his arms, but he just rubbed my back and i knew he was praying, both of us helpless to do anything but that.it was the first time a guy has stopped long enough to pray with me. earl would never have done that, i doubt kyle would. it was huge.i would be stupid to let go.
posted by bekah @ 8:13 AM 0 comments

January 2006

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Beckmae83: i liked drinking with your friends last time i was outkyle its ok: i did too, we all got nakedkyle its ok: =)Beckmae83: hahaha. yeah. that was funBeckmae83: i can only get two of my friends to get naked with me this yearBeckmae83: that's why i should be out therekyle its ok: bring them out with youkyle its ok: we'll do it againBeckmae83: one of them is in costa rica, the other has graduatedBeckmae83: but the three people i'm bringing may be down for itBeckmae83: at least my best friend erin and my friend charlie will beBeckmae83: the other guy, earl, we may have to work on him a bitkyle its ok: haha okaykyle its ok: sweetBeckmae83: erin and i seriously can't waitBeckmae83: i'm just looking forward to gettign away from ohioBeckmae83: and seeing everyoneBeckmae83: although by now shannon's probably engaged and has given up drinkingBeckmae83: what was she thinking?kyle its ok: lolkyle its ok: she's still with the same guy?Beckmae83: i think sokyle its ok: hmmBeckmae83: there is no way i hell i could be engaged right nowkyle its ok: lol seriouslyBeckmae83: too many adventures to be hadBeckmae83: too much growning up left to dokyle its ok: i know huhBeckmae83: crazy married peoplekyle its ok: seriouslykyle its ok: how are your songs coming along?Beckmae83: a little better everydaykyle its ok: radBeckmae83: it's so nice to be able to just sit down and playBeckmae83: i wish i had a piano more accesable at schoolBeckmae83: how's the classical coming?kyle its ok: well i've run into some setbacks...my nails keep breaking so i had to clip them all and start overkyle its ok: (the ones on my right hand)kyle its ok: makes playing much harderBeckmae83: oh damnkyle its ok: yeah i'm pissedBeckmae83: yeahBeckmae83: i just clipped mine all off today so i could play betterBeckmae83: isnt' that funny, you need yours long, i need mine shortkyle its ok: haha yeah, i actually thought about that todayBeckmae83: really?Beckmae83: hahakyle its ok: yeahkyle its ok: YES it's finally starting to get foggy here!Beckmae83: oh beautifulkyle its ok: usually we get super fog, but this year has suckedBeckmae83: oh poopBeckmae83: well....it better stick around for awhile to make up for itkyle its ok: i knowBeckmae83: we haven't had a day of sunshine in forever back here, which is kind of strangekyle its ok: oh really?kyle its ok: yesterday here was beautifulBeckmae83: yeah, it hasn't been balls cold, but there has def been absolutly no sun. lots of rain thoughkyle its ok: i like how you say ballskyle its ok: hahaBeckmae83: hahaBeckmae83: it freaks some people outkyle its ok: so sexualBeckmae83: hahaBeckmae83: i guess sokyle its ok: not really i guessBeckmae83: i'm not sure in a good way, or in a bad way sexual thoughkyle its ok: yeahBeckmae83: shit, i just realized it's been nearly two years to the day that we landed in oxfordkyle its ok: yes i knowkyle its ok: AHHHHHHHBeckmae83: whoakyle its ok: time is a carpet being swiped from under our feetBeckmae83: it makes me want to hug youBeckmae83: yeah for real. a great way to put itkyle its ok: makes me want to drink with you and wearily hang out of a third-story window while we discuss lifeBeckmae83: that was seriously one of the best nights of my lifekyle its ok: yeah, well the stars night was pretty good tookyle its ok: hahaBeckmae83: there was something so perfect about it. vodka, cigars, windows, good talksBeckmae83: yes they werekyle its ok: yeahkyle its ok: we were all alone in another countryBeckmae83: alone and togetherkyle its ok: yeahBeckmae83: it's hard to belive that i went over there not knowing a soulkyle its ok: yeah same hereBeckmae83: and it kind of makes me laugh to think that we became such good friendskyle its ok: and we made so many friendskyle its ok: yeahBeckmae83: yeahkyle its ok: friends with benefitskyle its ok: hahaBeckmae83: hahahaBeckmae83: yesBeckmae83: but not until this summerBeckmae83: we held out a long timekyle its ok: yeahkyle its ok: well i guess the only other time would have been england, or romeBeckmae83: rightkyle its ok: we could've done something in romeBeckmae83: funny to think we spent three days alone together in rome and nothing even happendBeckmae83: seriouslykyle its ok: yeah...in ROMEBeckmae83: what were we thinkingkyle its ok: wine, cigarettes, the pantheonkyle its ok: hahaBeckmae83: seriously!Beckmae83: and now we're back in the states. we missed out on the most increadible places on earthBeckmae83: hahakyle its ok: lolkyle its ok: damn itBeckmae83: i guess we'll just have to make a second tripkyle its ok: when we go back to oxford we can have wicked sex in port meadow at dawnBeckmae83: make up for all our previous mistakesBeckmae83: hell yeahkyle its ok: hahaBeckmae83: actually, that would be pretty much unbelievablekyle its ok: or we can make out in march tooBeckmae83: or thatkyle its ok: yeah that would be stellarBeckmae83: for now, i guess we can plan on thatkyle its ok: okay, let's see what happensBeckmae83: until we've scraped enough cash together to head back to europeBeckmae83: alright, i'm gamekyle its ok: yeah, i think we should go back sometime together and have memorieskyle its ok: we'll have sex on the golden gate bridge in the fogBeckmae83: okay, that would be pretty hotBeckmae83: can't say i've ever done that beforekyle its ok: and a very large vessel would go under it and honk its horn just at the opportune timekyle its ok: hahaBeckmae83: hahahaha. oh man it would be epickyle its ok: lolkyle its ok: whew. it's almost too much to think aboutBeckmae83: i need to catch my breathBeckmae83: phewkyle its ok: i know, we should take it slow... like sex in Union Sqare first or something mild like thatBeckmae83: yeah, keep it tame to startBeckmae83: and then move up the ladder of inventive locationskyle its ok: yep yepkyle its ok: where would you guys stay in s.f.?Beckmae83: erin knows some people therekyle its ok: sweetBeckmae83: i think we might stay at their houseBeckmae83: but seriusly, san fran, or la your more than welcome to join us whereeverkyle its ok: okayBeckmae83: at least i would welcome the companykyle its ok: well i'll probably be moving back home on the fourth, so s.f. would be more likely of a meeting point (it's under two hours from here)Beckmae83: okay, coolBeckmae83: that would be super funBeckmae83: and erin can distract earl (he hardcore likes me) and we can run away and have our sex adventuresBeckmae83: hahakyle its ok: yes!kyle its ok: we'll have to be sneaky about it then, i don't want earl to kick my assBeckmae83: i dont' think he wouldkyle its ok: oh okayBeckmae83: but we can still be sneaky, b/c sneaky is funkyle its ok: yes!kyle its ok: haha i like your thinking nettekovenBeckmae83: why thank you petersonATTENTION: kyle its ok is attempting to send you the file: me_bekah.jpgkyle its ok: did i ever send you this picture?ATTENTION: Waiting for Buddy...ATTENTION: File Transfer started.ATTENTION: File Transfer successful.Beckmae83: yes i think you did. in an e-mailkyle its ok: oh okayBeckmae83: i love that photokyle its ok: wasn't sureBeckmae83: but thank you just the samekyle its ok: of coursekyle its ok: well i think i should be getting to bedBeckmae83: okayBeckmae83: if you're headed to bed, i shouldBeckmae83: it's nearly 3kyle its ok: i'll dream of our sex scandalsBeckmae83: me tookyle its ok: oh yeah, you're east coastkyle its ok: yummyBeckmae83: i'll share any good ideas that pop up in my dreamBeckmae83: hahakyle its ok: "pop up"Beckmae83: hahahhaahhaakyle its ok: haha sorryBeckmae83: ummmBeckmae83: yeahBeckmae83: sure. take that way if you'd likeBeckmae83: i guess that'd be referring to youkyle its ok: i likeBeckmae83: okay. there you go thenkyle its ok: hahakyle its ok: thanksBeckmae83: sleep tightkyle its ok: sleep goodkyle its ok: goodnight bekah!Beckmae83: 'night kyle!
posted by bekah @ 11:58 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

he gets it too
fucking bastard. that's too harsh.bastard j-hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!there. that works for brandon.
posted by bekah @ 6:30 PM 0 comments

December 2005

Saturday, December 10, 2005

we are...[christians]
we are straight, gay and bi. we don't know if we're sober or high, strung out or burned up. we give our lips and vaginas to a hundred men. we give our heart to no one. we over eat, under eat, forget to eat. we sleep too much, suffer insomnia and pray for a cold metal relief from life. depression, insanity, institution and chemicals to fix the instabilities.we cheat on our wives, fail to tithe and slap our children. a million business trips make us rich and push us up the ladder high enough to jump. summer heat makes us as cold as our failed conscience and winter heats the storms inside our loins. light makes us squeeze our eyes and darkness pushes them out of our head into nothing. we ignore God. we ask God why. we scream, cry, breathe but for get to pray for relief. we want joy. salvation. life. we are bound by one thing. we are His. He called, drew, purchased, purged this shit from us and took it. took everything we have become. we are alone. we are together. i am we.
posted by bekah @ 11:35 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

words from a coast
kyle is the only boy that can leave me speechless with his words. beautiful, lovely, true, so precise. i love them. i like him.our friendship is gorgeous. i need to learn to like it the way it is.
posted by bekah @ 10:29 PM 0 comments

Sunday, December 04, 2005

tears
i want to cry tonight. i'm not sure if it's that i feel used or am now realizing how rediculous this life i've led really is.i spent the weekend with brandon and crystal. we made out again last night and slept next to each other. but that's when it stops. right then and there. two times in one week, i was so excited for him to come this weekend. and it was fun, we had a cool time. but it also made me realize how badly i want that to be real life, with him, with anyone. the right anyone. i know i'm not ready. he's not in it for anything other than a few kisses. next hot girl that rolls along will be his lucky victim. i shouldn't have listened to my friends.my personality felt flat and pitiful tonight as we sat across from each other eating fried food and talking about alchohol. is that what my life is? a few drunken experiences strung together by the lips of men i barely know?i want the forever, and i still want it with kyle on some days. earl is too boring, too predictable. brandon is spicy, colorful and very short. God?
posted by bekah @ 10:22 PM 0 comments

November 2005

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

it was that good
again....were do you think i find myself. last night it was brandon. i know i keep saying how the last guy was so much better than any other ones....well, it's true. all i know, is the guy i end up with will have a lot to live up to.brandon is janna's ex-boyfriend, and one of crystal missler and amber martinelli reckner's best friends. apparently crystal had told him about me and after he met me the other week at harry potter, he wanted to hook up. crystal and amber encouraged him and me.last night we had a party for jim's b-day. brandon was there. eventually i got drunk and we made out. he is slightly shorter than me, but extreamly good looking. he has muscles and a hot hot car. i think he is the nicest boy i've ever slept next to. i was seriously in his arms the whole entire night, even after we woke up. he wasn't embarassed or ashamed. he didn't care who saw or knew.crystal, amber, brandon and i went to mcdonald's for lunch and as we stood outside he gave me a long hug. he asked for my cell phone number and invited me to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra next week. (i think arsenic rehearsal will unfortunatly preclude that event.) and then he kissed me. just like that, a small, sweet, tender kiss right in front of mcdonald's. it was nice to feel like i wasn't just some girl he had made out with. now....i just wait for a phone call.God. i know. my stupidity astounds.
posted by bekah @ 10:10 PM 0 comments

Sunday, November 20, 2005

fallen
i woke with a dry taste in my mouth. a blend of cigarettes, beer and his lips and tounge. they had been there throughout the night. it was nice. i guess, as it should be if things like that are going to happen. the only problem is, it wasn't supposed to happen at all. i should have put my foot down, sat on a different couch, stayed inside and let him smoke alone. after the previous night it was too easy to let it happen again. i had done so well for so long. now i'm back at the beginning.
posted by bekah @ 2:55 PM 0 comments

Sunday, November 13, 2005

a story
she slipped in the door and slid up against me as she brought her lips close to my ear, pulled my hair back and whispered, or at least tried to whisper."hey, i need to tell you something," she said.instantly i wanted what i smelled on her breath and clothes. a heavy drink and a lung full of cloves. it seemed a nice"i think i like him." she only slurred a little."yeah, well....he seems into you.""i think he really likes me." my hair flipped across my face as her hand dropped and she stumbled away from me towards the bathroom. best friend, taking a piss as i went in to talk. i sat on the floor, she sat on....well...."you know you're drunk, right?" i said."yeah...but only a little.""so you're not just saying all this about him because you're drunk.""no, for real. i like him.""you like him?""he likes me, and you know that he likes me.""yes, he has seemed to give off that impression.""are you jealous?!" she giggled and i waited for slilence to begin."promise me you like him and that it's not just the booze talking.""cross my heart, hope to die....but i don't really want to die""no, you won't die. just be careful, okay?" i got up and left, she was drunk but she could get herself out of the bathroom without my babysitting. i waited on the couch.she curled up and bent her knees over my lap and wrapped her fingers around my left hand."promise me you won't hate me if i date him," she said."like, i'd ever hate you. come on. you know me better than that.""i think this is going to be really good.""yeah, just be careful.""stop. i'll be fine.""okay.""it was perfect tonight. we were perfect. everything was perfect."we sat quietly, her body almost entirely in my lap as the alcohol sent her into a restful slumber. when her breathing became heavy i stretched her out on the couch and threw my grandma's old afgan overtop of her. i walked onto the porch. there weren't even any stars to console me. it was cold, i was cold inside. i wanted conversation and hands to keep me warm, but there was neither.an amber glow flicked across my face as i breathed in the warm sweetness of the clove. the soft burn of smoke in my lungs, throat and eyes. there was a gentle snap as i twisted off the bottle cap and let the dark brew slide down past the lungs warmed by smoke. i felt it fall into my empty stomach, cold for an instant before everything was heat. it would only take a few bottles before my insides could no longer feel the cold night and my hands were too numb to notice they held a bottle and a clove instead of a hand. if i drank a few more, and if i drank fast, i could forget the memories of lips against my own. soon i would be warm and sweet and spinning.i love the spins. they help me forget.
posted by bekah @ 10:33 PM 0 comments

October 2005

Sunday, October 30, 2005

i keep coming back for more
i got to spend some cool time with earl this weekend. first he joined kate, beth and i at the Dayton Art Institute and then hung out here. this evening he came over at my invitation to work on homework. it's just fun hanging out with him. but every time he's gone i miss him. i don't know what my problem is. i think that we enjoy doing lots of things together. i also think i'm craving undivided male attention and interest. (that's hardly cool of me.) regardless....all these things make me want to spend more time with earl so i don't have to miss him. oh....i wrote kyle a letter today. i must stop being so silly about all this. b/c i also find kerry intriguing, if only his clothes weren't so wrinklely.
posted by bekah @ 8:49 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

give me one moment to catch my breath, inhale, feel life again, moving at a normal pace. everything, but mostly theatre, has been so busy lately. never before in my life have i felt this overwhelmed by anything. i feel as if i lost time with friends, family, roomates, those i love. i want a few hours to sit down and enjoy the company of those i care about, conversing or laughing or cuddeling. i wanted more time with ben this past weekend to sit and catch up on how everything and nothing is. i wanted to do something super fun. i wanted to run away to europe. i want to stop my attachment with kyle.i am a selfish whore. look at me God! i do nothing to merit favor or love. i fail to delight in you on any level. what the hell is my problem? you have given me a year so full of theatre stuff that it's drowning me, yet all i can do is complain and run around doing rediculous, awful things. earl, he likes me. i like him. by why in the world am i finding ben so attractive again. he was high last night and all i wanted was to hold his hand. i also happend to be in a room with 5 boys i have kissed, all at the same time. it was so strange. and then earl and ben and i were all sitting at the same table. they don't know about each other. i was standing there when they met and shook hands. me there. weird.God, get a grip on my life, because i don't have one.
posted by bekah @ 1:03 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

lyrical truth
You sat down next to me, like poetry to wineOut window looked upon a yellow neon signI took your hand while you decided what to doThe only kiss, I ever miss, I shared with youThe other cities hold a memory still of a placeBut, when I dream of London, I can only see your faceRachael Yamagata "I Want You"
posted by bekah @ 9:20 PM 1 comments

Thursday, October 06, 2005

WOW!
God is increadible and so are the prayers of my family.I have one of the leads in Arsenic and Old Lace!!!!!!
posted by bekah @ 8:56 PM 0 comments

Sunday, October 02, 2005

my lips were pure
i didn't kiss anyone this weekend! i was good even when i knew the opprotunity was strongly presenting itself. i was able to drink and keep my head even as i slept between two short boys. haha.my gift was a neat vintage hat from jonny that had belonged to his grandpa. thanks God.
posted by bekah @ 8:40 PM 0 comments

September 2005

Thursday, September 29, 2005

beautiful words
as jim tullett and i walked home from rehearsal under the first autum sky full of stars and blackness he told me...."bekah, i think if i had to spend the rest of my life with you, i would be happy.""haha. we would have fun, we'd never really argue either," i said."well...just enough to have make-up sex.""haha. yeah.""i think you're the only girl i can to say stuff like this to."
posted by bekah @ 9:55 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

strange names
a boy named earl...we are now friends, only friends, forever only friends. i appolgized for number 13, he said he was too busy to add another stress to his life, i agreed, he e-mailed me, we talk, we will be friends.and it's best like this.
posted by bekah @ 8:08 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

i am an idiot
how can i possibly fail to consider God's increadible work in my life. i live and act and breathe as if nothing is different, like i don't care or notice that the God of the universe chose me for himself. i did nothing, never could do anything to earn to deserve his love yet he continues to pour it out on me, delighting in me. how? why?he is God and i am so human.
posted by bekah @ 10:30 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

bad (good) news
when bad news is good news. dave talked to ben and found out that ben isn't really "into me" anymore. i could never be happier. i'm free to be friends with earl and see how that turns out. kate said that he was attractive. he is, but he dresses normally. and that is not my thing. but maybe we'll be cool friends.oh life. haha. it's so weird.
posted by bekah @ 6:08 PM 1 comments

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

add another to the list
so i had an amazing weekend, but it had it's share of crazy times, there were fun nonetheless. julie and i partied with two boys we had just met twice this weekend. we slept in beds with them twice and the funny thing is neither of them had ever slept with a girl before. that made us feel rather hoe-ish. the first night julie was trashed and the rest of us were very tipsy if not drunk. julie and charlie started kissing so earl and i joined them. nothing happend but talking when we went to bed.the next night we kissed in bed somewhat but also did a lot of talking. i was way more drunk the second night. earl told me he "liked me" and said a few other sweet things. i was a little too out of it to respond appropiately. he's a super sweet guy, he seems geniune and smitten. friendship would be awesome, but i think i'm going to have to set him straight.this makes 11.
posted by bekah @ 6:07 PM 3 comments

August 2005

Thursday, August 25, 2005

it's all fucked up again
stuff with ben is strange. we don't talk, never see each other. when i was at their house the other night he didn't even come out of his room the whole time. eventually i went in there, we did our thing and i left. pathetic of me. using and selfish of me. but he never talks! it seems as if he doesn't care.but i like being off campus. and somehow God is still reveal himself to others through this fucked up life of mine. i am so far from worthy.
posted by bekah @ 6:09 PM 0 comments

Thursday, August 18, 2005

finally!
i'm leaving for school tomorrow. on saturday i will be in my house, with the girls, see ben and probably wish kyle was somewhat closer so i could run away from ben and sit on the grass somewhere enjoying a bottle of wine, talking and reading next to the hottest guy i know, whom i am fortunate enough to call one of my friends. maybe by that time chrissy will have kissed seth.i think i will actually miss the people from work.
posted by bekah @ 12:28 PM 0 comments

July 2005

Monday, July 25, 2005

how does this happen to me?
i decided i'm single from ben. no more boyfriend for me. now i have to let him know.this weekend i went and visited steve blauert and dave huss. i spent saturday with steve. he kissed me. that makes 9, is that bad of me? i totally didn't initiate anything with him, it was completely him. maybe i played along a bit, yet at the same time it was really strange. he didn't really make out with me, i'm glad that didn't happen.was it only friendship or is actually meaningful to him. is it like kyle and i except with reversed roles? shit. life is so weird.hanging out with dave was cool though!
posted by bekah @ 12:14 PM

Thursday, July 07, 2005

it happend
i went to california and saw kyle. he picked me up and swung me around. we hung out all day, shared a bottle of wine and some cigarettes. that night we made out and spooned. i didn't think about ben for at least two days. and i'm very glad i kissed kyle. he even left me an amazingly sweet voice mail the night i got home. he's so much better than ben.
posted by bekah @ 1:05 PM 0 comments

June 2005

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

red moons
first day of summer and the red moon was full, heavy on the horizon over leafed trees and blinking fireflies.
posted by bekah @ 8:23 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 13, 2005

boyfriends
bastard boyfriend....i seem to have a spell of them. ben never calls or e-mails. he tells me not to call him because he's too tired.i'm nearly ready to give up.
posted by bekah @ 8:12 PM 0 comments

Thursday, June 09, 2005

summer time
i'm working.erin is 21.in a few weeks i go to california for em's wedding and to see the ever blogged about boy, kyle.we're friends.i'm dating skinny ben. (not sure how i feel about that yet.)i'm in oliver! but may have to back out due to work.i have not written anything lately, i should.next year i am the french maid in a doll's house and also the ABP president.today i am wearing purple mascara.
posted by bekah @ 9:34 AM 0 comments

May 2005

Sunday, May 01, 2005

thoughts on apathy
How does life do things that seem to run between my fingers, somehow escaping both logic and emotion. I"m left with thoughts, neither confirmed or denied by my feelings, left to fend for themselves. Where I should be bursting with emotion I'm asking questions. Where all my reason would normally scream "no!" I feel directionless motion. Where beautfy and pain reside with each other I now see gray. Where did I go wrong and fuck this all up? I forgot. No, I ignored. Apathy leaves a trail of blood and its affects are seen in the carnage. The blood doesn't glisten, nor is it thick. Sad and pitiful I bleed, making a mess of everything I touch. I forgot to care, forgot to be heartless. I forgot to think, forgot to feel. Now I know. Knowledge screams but understanding and will lag far behind. There is no time for them to catch up, the decesion must be made. I pause to concider the options, weigh the consequence of mistake and now I make my call.Hey...listen to me. I hate that I'm even speaking, but what's there to do? Everything is over, a shit filled waste of blood. Clean it up, at least enough so I won't slip and spash my eyes with all my blood. I'll stop walking now and wait until the blood has dried or a path is cleared. Still I know and feel nothing, but I guess it will eventually be okay.God, what the hell do I do about Ben?
posted by bekah @ 9:20 AM 0 comments

April 2005

Thursday, April 21, 2005

oh dear
holy crap......what is happening. yesterday we talk and he promises to be normal and take me where i'm at. and then tonight he's saying i'm his girlfriend. do i really want this? am i faking to keep him happy? should i stop being nice?shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by bekah @ 9:40 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 17, 2005

a boy
he likes me. i like him. do we date? we have a whole summer in between now and next school year. he obviously seems to anticipate a deeper continuation of what we have now, then. but do i? he want's to go deeper, i want to figure out the top part first, the insides might cloud my vision.i haven't prayed. God knows and i don't. why am i an idiot. why can't i be honest with the world?shit. i'm so human and so fallen. God's grace is sufficient, but right now i can't seem to make myself care.
posted by bekah @ 11:06 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

tee hee
a skinny boy named ben likes me. he's taking me rollar skating sometime.weeeee!!!!
posted by bekah @ 8:12 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

when spring comes
it makes everyone happy. it makes me think of europe, england, oxford, jerico, walton well road, and 21. those are the best places i know. i think a certain boy is extreamly attractive....it's that long-ish hair that will do it every time. and the blue eyes and the skinnyness.i want to be in the heads and books of russian authors. they saw life and philosphied about life in a real manner, with real people, doing and thinking real things. i want to be all of alive.Hebrews is my favorite book in all the Bible.
posted by bekah @ 4:02 PM 0 comments

Friday, April 01, 2005

it never stops.
beers make me miss him. (like right now.)i'd say things....but i'm tired and this really should stop. it's been a year. i should be done. it continues plauging thoughts and turning reason into drunkness and so i stumble forward, falling again into that ditch of affection i know so well. i wait again for its passing, and again, and again. have me, it stops, never speaking feeds the beast. i'm screwed. "we're" screwed. a circle never ceasing that equals pi.
posted by bekah @ 10:14 PM 0 comments

March 2005

Monday, March 21, 2005

happier things
i realize i only use this super secert blog to complain and moan about my misfortunes in life. today is different. i had a fun night at Camelot rehersal. we sang, we danced, we did our thing. and tomorrow the orchestra joins us because in just over a week we will be opening!!! yipee!!!tomorrow i'm getting up super early to go easter egg hunting. 6AM. good times for sure.i miss the boy.
posted by bekah @ 7:36 PM 0 comments

Friday, March 04, 2005

rule are meant to be broken
that bitching bastard!!!! he wrote me up b/c i wore jeans in chapel the last day before spring break and because my suitcase was already packed and loaded in someone else's car and i wouldnt' have had time to change. damn it! i hate insiginificant rules.
posted by bekah @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

February 2005

Friday, February 18, 2005

mail from california
i got kyle's little valentine today with a short note folded around it. it made me smile and miss him and it made me want to scream and cry. because there is such a part of me that i continually suffocate that likes him as more than one of my best friends. i want more than a friendship and unfortunatly time and distance only tint my glasses a deeper rose and shade my perspection of reality and rational thinking. i'm sure if i saw him in person it would dissapate into the surround air and all would be normal, we shake hands, hug, smile and walk away the same as when we greeted each other. i've always thought it was rediculous when people dated only for the sake of seeing if "it would work out." it's a waste of time. yet, a part of me wants to know what it would be like dating kyle even when i can't tell if it would work out or not. ahhhhhhhhh. sob.
posted by bekah @ 10:31 AM 0 comments

Saturday, February 12, 2005

a wedding and friendship
i went to amber's wedding tonight. it was great and david was there. when i got back pierce asked me to a walk with him which was nice for a change. kyle's mailing me something. i'm so curious!
posted by bekah @ 10:47 PM 0 comments

Saturday, February 05, 2005

been drinking
and i want a hug from someone i actually care about. they all left. and i saw some embaressing pictures of me making out with one of my friends when drunk.life.
posted by bekah @ 10:01 PM 0 comments

screams in the sunlight
why aren't poeple allowed to scream more often. i need to, want to scream in the sunshine. it's not just the dark night and the emotions that it heightens that drives me to this, but the overwhelming sense of life i feel when hours of warmth interrupt a cold winter, rays burst past the windows and try to penetrate my bare skin. i want it to work faster, harder, deeper until my lungs are so filled with warmed breath that it has to stream out of my body and join the air around me.i want to love and be loved. i want to think deeply and purely. i want to love God, but i'm sucking at that part right now. i want all emotions and no apathy about everything. i want entertianment but never amusument for the first is far more engaging. i want my family, my friends to realize how woven into me they have become. i want to see my friends who lives far distances from me but are never more than a thought away. i want people to see and know the truth, my honesty. so much life, so much living all coupled with pain and beauty each aspect confirming that my God is real, more real than i am, confirming of my identity in Him. the next thing is always a suprise.
posted by bekah @ 11:12 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

crazy love
so many people are screwed up by love, or people they loved or by something they thought was love. maybe they were all mistaken.i should be careful of such things.friends...try it. it's good.
posted by bekah @ 10:22 PM 0 comments

January 2005

Monday, January 31, 2005

the strange things in life
pierce is about to start dating some girl and lynda is upset. abbey just got dumped, josh is in a hurt rage, and i think there were at least a few more issues in there.chrissy called me tonight and we both cried over the fact that she's decided not to play soccer. she has kicked some serious ass in her life and she amazes me. i wanted to talk to laura today.i don't even know meg and case anymore. but i know other people. i've been honest but i'm not doing well.
posted by bekah @ 9:05 PM 0 comments

Thursday, January 27, 2005

bursting frustration
so, last night i e-mailed meg, case, kate, cam and justin to eat supper together. well....i check my e-mail right before supper and find that meg and case have changed supper time and only told justin and cam b/c meg had to work. so here i am feeling shitty, exhuasted and hungry.i walk in nearly in tears out of my anger and tiredness. they girls don't even notice. justin asked me if i was okay and later said he could tell i was almost crying. cam and justin had an akward supper with them. and the girls were so oblivious to what i had been doing. never mind this has been the ONLY thing i've been doing the past two weeks. God says to love. i'm not being very loving. but kate and i and everyone else keep getting screwed over by them and it seems that they don't even notice. i don't even care anymore. i want to tell them what i'm thinking and feeling but it wont' matter or make a difference. david and pierce are sweet. so are cam and justin. and colin and steve. and lots of other people who love me. and i still want to hug kyle. he can keep his arm around me and i won't mind.(sometimes there's smiles and sometime's there's shit.)
posted by bekah @ 6:36 PM 0 comments

Monday, January 24, 2005

i am utterly pathetic
so...again, i've been talking to kyle a bunch. as usual, online. we always talk about drinking together and talking and being rediculous. we both become poignant.he said, "goodnight sweetheart."i wanted to hug him. not quick, but for a long time and then sit next to him with a drink in hand sharing a fag he rolled.(see...i told you so)
posted by bekah @ 4:16 PM 0 comments

Saturday, January 15, 2005

my heart
my heart misses kyle. lots and lots. we miss each other.friendship. affection. memories. this summer.
posted by bekah @ 9:54 PM 0 comments

Friday, January 14, 2005

strange days
i'm happy. i'm sad. i'm dissapointed. i'm frustrated. i'm in awe. i'm creative. i'm behind.i miss how things were with pierce. i need to talk to him some more. i miss him. his laugh. i miss lots of things. i miss kyle. i want to drink vodka and spend hours talking while we smoke cigarettes from a window on a cool night. i miss being near a friend like him. i miss chenry and his hugs for no reason. i miss being curled up in a chair with him while we watch tv or sit tangled while we catch up on what we've missed the past several months. i miss justin making me think and forcing emotion behind. i miss him calling me out and pushing my thoughts and making me laugh and teasing me about boys.i miss freedom.this is pathetic. where is my joy?
posted by bekah @ 10:14 PM 0 comments

December 2004

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

yeah
i'm tired and i want to cry. i hate the CAD lab. i want the boys to leave me alone.shit.
posted by bekah @ 3:15 PM 0 comments

Friday, December 10, 2004

pissed off
what the hell does that boy think he's doing and thinking????God....what's his deal???? he bashes gays and everything else. i wish i could say fuck him and everything else he does.why is it easier for me to get along with those that are homosexuals than him, he's so biggoted.teach me God. right now i'm really angry at him. fuck.
posted by bekah @ 11:22 PM 0 comments

oh no!
i think phil likes me. i'm trying to stop being niave. ahhhhhhhh.go away boys. i just want to be your friend.
posted by bekah @ 10:45 PM 0 comments

Sunday, December 05, 2004

strange new things
yesterday i was with josh most of the day and i found out that matt molby has liked me for quite a while now, since last year. that sort of freaks me out...b/c until crystal told me on monday that he actually does really like me i didn't have much of a clue.greg, phil and david were teasing me about josh yesterday and they all said that they've thought for a while that he likes me. i really really hope not.phil bought me a sweater at goodwill yesterday, that was so cool of him but i hope he doesn't mean anything by it.ahhhhh......!!!!!!!!!!!!! and erin's boy life is out of control. and i just want to see her and ben and have life be normal.
posted by bekah @ 2:15 PM 0 comments

Friday, December 03, 2004

he is....
a bastard and a prick.
posted by bekah @ 5:50 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

drinking....
makes me do silly things. but partying monday night for jim's b-day was super fun. jim and i almost made out, crystal made us stop. which was probably good. i don't think matt actually saw us kissing, we were trying to be sneaky. and we did good.is that really something to be proud of?i feel so awful right now. all i want to do is break rules and things like that. i know why. i'm not spending anytime with God. i need to get my act together and get a better attitude about school and its rules.ahhhhhhhhhhhh. shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i would spoon with kyle. i wish i could see him.
posted by bekah @ 9:27 PM 0 comments

November 2004

Sunday, November 21, 2004

last night
last night cam and i bought a 24 oz bottle of heinekin and a package of backwoods cigars and sat on a bench in the xenia park and indulged in pleasure and conversation. we had to use the door of an electric box on the gazebo to open the bottle and it was really amusing. he gave me the most wonderful friendship kiss on the cheek when we got back and were hugging goodnight. i think more boys should do that. i would kiss more boys if i knew they wouldn't get weird about it.hmmm....kisses.....cuddling....friends. that is the perfect combination. i haven't experianced that in quite some time.
posted by bekah @ 11:42 AM 0 comments

Saturday, November 20, 2004

dates
i had a "date" last night with fil quina, the international delight. he broke his rib but still we went out to the movies with carlo and three other people. it was a good time despite fil's discomfort. he paid for my ticket which was super nice of him. tonight i have a "date" with cam. he's been cool lately so we're going to hang out at a coffee shop. should be lovely.this life is nice. i need to write another story on my xanga. this one's going to be about kyle. well...not about him but based on a conversation i had with him, b/c that's the rules of my story.
posted by bekah @ 11:27 AM 0 comments

Thursday, November 18, 2004

what i want.
beer and cigars on a cold fall night with boys. just boys and me. we could talk and sigh and smoke and then could scoot up close to them and smell the smoke and cologne and be happy.
posted by bekah @ 9:19 PM 0 comments

clothing
so people want to borrow my clothes like mad when it's "dress punk/funky/strange" day. and then i got pissed off b/c some guy i know made a comment generalizing that "theatre people only dress like that to get attention. they want people to look at them." what the hell was he thinking!!!! the audacity of such generalization and sterotype. everyone dresses to get attention whether it's to look pretty or attractive or funky. and who says i'm not normal??people are rediculous. it doesn't bother me if people want to dress like everyone else if that's what they really enjoy. personally i don't. and the only reason i stand out is b/c not enough people are comfortable dressing in away to express themselves and be comfortable.to hell with normalicy.
posted by bekah @ 1:11 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

music
i'm going to see a kick ass show tonight. cool hand luke, taylor sorenson, and my favorites, the retail age.beautiful.
posted by bekah @ 11:19 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

explosions
my head is bursting with creativity. why doesn't it hit the paper?come Macbeth, land on my hand and transport your glory through a line and curve. may the set awaken life and reveal death.
posted by bekah @ 1:24 PM 0 comments

Monday, November 15, 2004

friendship
i spent a lovely two hours with david flowers tonight. he cheers my soul. he is kind and conciderate and even asked me stuff about pierce. i told him how i felt more honestly than i've told anyone but kate.everyone's in love but i think that's okay.matt molby asked me to go see the transiberian orchestra with him. is that a date?david bought me coffee and now i'm hyper.i need some inspiration for this set, damn it!has everyone lost their virginity? mine's still heartily intact. thank goodness!other countries lure me.cait thinks i should be a writer. perhaps.God don't let me become dependant upon myself or boys. only You is fine with me.somedays i really miss kyle. we always had fun drinking together.
posted by bekah @ 8:34 PM 0 comments

Saturday, November 13, 2004

a hug
i want a real hug, one from ben, or matt. i want ben to hold me in his arms and sigh with happiness and then put his head on mine and sniff in the scent of my hair. he'd say, "bekah i missed you so much." he wouldn't be able to see my face, but against his chest he could feel my smile, larger than the room. and in that moment all my memories and pains from school and life would coming rushing together before quickly dissapearing in his lovely smell and embrace. we would spend some hours in conversation and laughter just allowing the nearess of each other to comfort and make up for lost time.friendship so beautiful it is not love. love better be deep if it's going to get beyond this.i miss ben and i love ben.
posted by bekah @ 10:12 PM 0 comments

a sceret smile
they love it, only josh knows of my pen name and he's playing along beautifully. he's obsessed with the writing. laura the prof really likes it as well. loves it actually. i wonder what it is that is bringing this about. these little diologues, situations, stories that i'm writing are teaching me a lot about other people and myself. i've taken real life conversations and crafted a story around them, a moment. the main character is an introverted version of myself and i like her. she's almost sad in a way b/c she lives but rarely has blissful moments. i wonder what will come of all this. a novel?sun, my God is faithful.
posted by bekah @ 7:46 AM 0 comments

Thursday, November 11, 2004

dampness
i still have questions. but that's okay, right?i still want love, i'll find it, right?he still makes me smile more than other boys, but i know it will never be. it could never be.i want to say fuck.i want to be in oxford, i want to drink with kyle, i want to smoke, i want to hug ben.i want to know if ben has/does ever liked me.would that be wierd if he says yes?i want to marry my best friend. i want him to wear a kilt.i want God, but i know when i ask that i'm asking for all of his control of my life. i'm selfish so that scares me. but it's the best and most beautiful thing i could ask for, surrender.will you catch me, will hold you me even when i let go?
posted by bekah @ 3:05 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

?
bitching. this was a good day. i am alive.i am homesick for england, for places i've never been.i'm in love with a boy i don't even know. does he exisit. perhaps someday. until then, this life is fun.God is huge.
posted by bekah @ 9:59 PM 0 comments

Monday, November 08, 2004

my new life
i have a pen name. i've convinced at least one so far, but i told him. he gave me the neatest fiber optic lamp i have ever seen. it's from the 60s. but so far, people think it's someone else. my ideas are my own but born from my life and the lives of those around me and smashed into paragraphs i my head.i shall be a writer....at least of small things.
posted by bekah @ 9:22 PM 0 comments

Saturday, November 06, 2004

something settled
now i know his love lies with her, i think i've known for quite some time, it took a while for reality to catch up with this lovely dream.but as i wake up i'm finding that perhaps my reality is far more beautiful than any dream that has painted my thoughts or hopes. this is real, things actually happen, people come, love is born, happiness discovered and joy learned. dreams are temorary pleasures, blown on by the rising sun and seeping back again with sprinkled stars.no, i think i'll take life. dreams are nice once and a while, but today i've realized that life is where i am. i'll keep moving, waiting hurts too much."when hope is gone, i'll call you Savior. when i'm in pain, i'll call you healer."He's all i love and all i fear.
posted by bekah @ 1:27 PM 0 comments

Friday, November 05, 2004

twinges
growing affection or deepening friendship?
posted by bekah @ 6:33 PM 0 comments

Thursday, November 04, 2004

bursts of life
do i like him? i'm not sure but God has extended much grace to me. we played tonight like friends, like children, like.....?time will tell but i'm not waiting around to see. i'll keep living and see what happens.even on shitty days my God knows me, leads me. Oh Thou great Jehovah guide me.
posted by bekah @ 9:10 PM 0 comments

October 2004

Sunday, October 31, 2004

poetry
in not for
give in, keep movingno standing allowed.no waiting in queue.if this is lifeit is meant to be lived.where tomorrow stopped.the moments are frozen,melting, dripping, plunkingagainst my face.i have today.iced droplets sting,take on some warmth.wait under thisunfriendly, melting massi would drown. ground moves, feet follow,body forward, hands straining.a brush, a prick, a stab, a scream.velocity increases, pain intense.this is living.no more waiting.
posted by bekah @ 11:55 AM 0 comments

Thursday, October 28, 2004

why? when?
he's spending the whole weekend with his best friend....she's in love with him. is this jealousy or concern? she's wonderful, i know she is. i want to meet her becasue i believe we'd be friends and we have a lot in common. we both see his lopsided smile, the way his eyes swim with green and seem to find our eyes at the perfect moment. we both see a burning passion inside of him for all that is pure, truthful and lovely. we see Christ in him. we see a man who can love beyond all others, skinny, with floppy hair and the best arms to hug us with. we find art. he creates music that pierces through every bone in our bodies and lodges itself in our souls. we both see our friend, she sees the man she loves, i see the man my heart has grown fonder of.he makes us alive.why now? when will it end?the pain in the process is making beauty out of nothing, God crafting his creatures into his will, forcing all three of us to depend solely on the love and soverignty of our holy God.
posted by bekah @ 10:09 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

anger
when will DR leave me alone? it's been nearly a year. move on with life. and please, leave my friends alone. there's another, there were others after you. never during, never even thoughts of others while i was with you. just frustration and questions, i doubted and i tried hard, i pretended that everything was okay in hopes that something would make sense. the problem wasn't fixed. it was left to fend for itself. and so things fall apart. i'm happy. i'm living my life discovering things, people, places. i'm okay with waiting this time. with my best friends i don't need anything else. God sustains, God blesses. He is to whom i cling and praise Him for the friend he has given to me.
posted by bekah @ 9:51 AM 0 comments

Sunday, October 24, 2004

question
does anyone know this exists?i saw a flaming shooting start tonight. i was with a boy. we are friends, he's my best boy (space) friend here at school. he's wonderful. Thank you God for Pierce.
posted by bekah @ 10:02 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

a boy...
pierce kissed me and we held hands. it was the most beautifully, innocently pure kiss i have ever received. he's my friend and i have affections for him. he is kind and beautiful and makes me laugh. he is a man of passions and of God. i am thankful he is in my life.
posted by bekah @ 9:23 PM 0 comments

September 2004

Thursday, September 16, 2004

don't touch....
....hot boys. espcially ones named jake. what a wonderful name, wonderful body, hot face, artistic, musical, wonderful.....fun boys with charisma.espcially ones named peirce. what a wonderful name, cute face, skinny body, artisitc, funny and charming......your friends.espcially ones named steve. you never know what they might be thinking.
posted by bekah @ 10:32 AM 0 comments

Sunday, September 12, 2004

nakedness!!
so i was naked a lot this weekend and i liked it. it was a random weekend filled with lots of homework, gorgeous weather, friends, food, movies, shows and hot boys i want to date. okay so maybe i don't really want to date them, but they were hot and i need a rock star boyfriend. or emo or something intersting. something non-cedarville.oh well. i'll be okay.some reading and then bed time.
posted by bekah @ 8:38 PM 0 comments

Thursday, September 09, 2004

academics
i talked to kyle the other night.....hence i'm writing. i think we're both super excited to see each other. i'm excited to see everyone, but espcially him. i'm sure things will be awesome. i know they will be.so scenic design has has the shit scared out of me. damn baby! i miss justin lots too.i think all my friends are going to be engaged by the end of the year. weird. i feel so young. stephen blauret was being awefully flirtatious last night on IM. strange. i need to be careful. God help me. let me see You more.
posted by bekah @ 1:41 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

summer fading
i was in kentucky this past weekend with the girls. it was super fun jumping off the cliffs and swimming in the lake and of course hanging out with the guys. i'm trying to be patient and content God. i've talked to kyle a bunch...so naturally i'm writing....it sounds like he's super excited to have me come out and all the fun we'll have. i really do need to be careful. no need killing myself with pleasure. but i am beyond belief excited to see everyone. it should be cool. i need to stop this so i can do some devos and studying before bed.i hung out lots with matt molby tonight. i hope he's not in my bf dream tonight.
posted by bekah @ 8:17 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

tears in the night
so mom called tonight to check on some stuff. she started crying about work and the stress with that. after recovering and talking a bit more, she cried again because she misses us so much and i know it's hard on her. why God does this have to be in my family? please take care of them.
posted by bekah @ 6:30 PM 0 comments


Sunshine!
sun in cedarville! auditions tonight.
posted by bekah @ 1:35 PM 0 comments

August 2004

Sunday, August 22, 2004

life at school
so tonight i cried. it's hard being back here. there are parts of me that are very happy, but lots of me is sad and missing kyle and justin and em and the rest of the girls and chenry. he likes a girl. i need to find my contnentment in God and not in school and friends.
posted by bekah @ 8:20 PM 0 comments

Thursday, August 05, 2004

j-hole
jack ass. dr e-mailed me and said he wanted to hang out. he never showed up. he pisses me off.
posted by bekah @ 4:58 PM 0 comments

July 2004

Sunday, July 11, 2004

kyle again
it seems that i only post when something has happend with kyle. he left me a nice comment on my xanga. he miss justin and i. and i really really miss them bad. and em too.
posted by bekah @ 8:12 PM 0 comments

Sunday, July 04, 2004

4th of july
sam called me today. it made my day, and it was a nice message.i really miss kyle and justin. i think i got a lot closer to them than i thought.jazz is beautiful.
posted by bekah @ 8:57 PM 0 comments

June 2004

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

yay!
kyle imed me as soon as i got on. good for him. we're still friends.
posted by bekah @ 9:39 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 28, 2004

poop....
he's a poop head. okay, so at least he's leaving me alone. i shouldn't probably be angry with him, because he's seriously screwing up his life. and for some reason i can't figure out why he's still upset with me. i'm going to chill out until i meet someone super hot, but mostly super funky and amazing. he was a poop head.
posted by bekah @ 8:01 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 27, 2004

what was i going to say?
i intended to write something here but in the last minute i forgot what i was going to say. oh well, i was probably going to complain about some unjustice done to me or how have a million emotions that lie here unxpressed. i'm not going to complain.i got a shirt that says midge on the front. i'm going to take a picture and include it on the cds i send to the girls. i really really do miss them. i think it's funny justin blasted his speaker when playing the darkness. that's a good man. and i miss him too.but i LOVE the beach.
posted by bekah @ 6:14 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

question of the day...
is the world a fuckery?
posted by bekah @ 7:41 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 14, 2004

ugh
i am bored. and i don't want a boyfriend. contrary to how every one of my friends is right now, i'm happy being single. i think that's probably the only thing i have figure out in my life right now. i guess that's a good thing, because with the rest of it, i'm in limbo.
posted by bekah @ 4:07 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 13, 2004

conversations...
i had a great talk with dave kearns today. it was actually normal, and he asked me questions and he seemed interested in stuff. that was cool. i miss everyone in california and justin. i really really do. i want to hug them. i love them.i know i'm sappy.
posted by bekah @ 5:38 PM 0 comments

Friday, June 11, 2004

reagan
today is ronald reagan funeral. i'm glad he was an actor. and he was quite tall and extreamly handsome. probably not our greatest political president, but perhaps one of our best in nature and spirit.
posted by bekah @ 6:16 AM 0 comments

Monday, June 07, 2004

ghost
the ghost of discontentment haunts me.
posted by bekah @ 8:07 PM 0 comments

Saturday, June 05, 2004

ahhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he's being such an immature turd!!!!!!!!!! it makes me so angry. that's it, no more e-mails. ever.
posted by bekah @ 4:21 AM 0 comments

Friday, June 04, 2004

food buisness
i think i've been a server for too long,i know longer care what customers think of me or how long things take. i'm not as good as i used to be because of that. i need to move onto a new profession.
posted by bekah @ 12:20 PM 0 comments

Thursday, June 03, 2004

why...
can't people call me? ie: cedarville friends. i hope things aren't weird with everyone else when i get back to school. i'm glad kate and i will be rooming together again. i need a second job so i can have money to fly to california. shannon wrote me a super nice e-mail which made my day. i miss that girl and her e-mail made me miss chris henry. i think i could have loved him, i think she could have too.(sigh)sometimes i just want to say bad words.
posted by bekah @ 11:09 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

day off
the sun was shining this morning and i awoke in a happy mood because it was 10 o'clock and i was just getting out of bed. boy does sleeping in feel beautiful. i ran two quick errands, took the dog for a walk, got erin's b-day present, a super cheap CD for myself and now i'm back at home about to begin making the rest of erin's gift. i also ate some chocolate chip cookies today.
posted by bekah @ 12:59 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

unhappiness is....
a sucky day. my feet hurt. i stood on them for 12 hours at work today and didn't make much money. damn them.
posted by bekah @ 8:32 PM 0 comments

May 2004

Monday, May 31, 2004

happiness is.....
wearing vintage and not quite matching.
posted by bekah @ 7:27 PM 0 comments

Saturday, May 29, 2004

vintage
ahh the calming world of vintage. walking into the store alone and inhaling that wonderful smell of time makes me happy and content and excited. there a million colors to hit the eyes and just as many textures. each peice has had a life before and here i am to resurrect it. i can make it new and i can be old all at the same time. there's something about it that still gets me. she gave me a free necklace. vintage and free stuff...life is good.
posted by bekah @ 8:44 PM 0 comments

Friday, May 28, 2004

pissed off!
for real DR leave me alone!!!! that' crazy boy left me a comment on my xanga site busting on the fact that i know nothing about depression and that my "privileged life is becoming sickining". the bastard. i'm am seriously pissed off at him. i would totally have no problems just being friends with him and sending e-mails now and then. but he for real can't ever say anything nice to me. in his e-mail he said he goes to bars and drinking all the time. not that i have a problem with any of that, because believe me i don't. but if that's all his life has become i'm sorry i don't think he should be talking. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! where is the sanity?? leave me alone!
posted by bekah @ 6:19 AM 0 comments

Thursday, May 27, 2004

life
i wonder why i act so differently when i'm at work? i'm so quiet there. i definatly get in work mode and uniforms stifle me. that's my excuse.reading through Romans again reminds me of how increadibly supreme God is. how it can be thought that there is anything capable in us to choose him is beyond comprehension. just reading through chapters 8 and 9 will clearly demonstrate how God calls us and chooses us. it's comforting to think about when i know how badly i make decesions at times. i'd much rather he be in control of the salvation for each individual than me trying to find my own.
posted by bekah @ 2:29 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

summer night
summer of cicadas.
posted by bekah @ 8:41 PM 0 comments