November 2005

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

it was that good
again....were do you think i find myself. last night it was brandon. i know i keep saying how the last guy was so much better than any other ones....well, it's true. all i know, is the guy i end up with will have a lot to live up to.brandon is janna's ex-boyfriend, and one of crystal missler and amber martinelli reckner's best friends. apparently crystal had told him about me and after he met me the other week at harry potter, he wanted to hook up. crystal and amber encouraged him and me.last night we had a party for jim's b-day. brandon was there. eventually i got drunk and we made out. he is slightly shorter than me, but extreamly good looking. he has muscles and a hot hot car. i think he is the nicest boy i've ever slept next to. i was seriously in his arms the whole entire night, even after we woke up. he wasn't embarassed or ashamed. he didn't care who saw or knew.crystal, amber, brandon and i went to mcdonald's for lunch and as we stood outside he gave me a long hug. he asked for my cell phone number and invited me to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra next week. (i think arsenic rehearsal will unfortunatly preclude that event.) and then he kissed me. just like that, a small, sweet, tender kiss right in front of mcdonald's. it was nice to feel like i wasn't just some girl he had made out with. now....i just wait for a phone call.God. i know. my stupidity astounds.
posted by bekah @ 10:10 PM 0 comments

Sunday, November 20, 2005

fallen
i woke with a dry taste in my mouth. a blend of cigarettes, beer and his lips and tounge. they had been there throughout the night. it was nice. i guess, as it should be if things like that are going to happen. the only problem is, it wasn't supposed to happen at all. i should have put my foot down, sat on a different couch, stayed inside and let him smoke alone. after the previous night it was too easy to let it happen again. i had done so well for so long. now i'm back at the beginning.
posted by bekah @ 2:55 PM 0 comments

Sunday, November 13, 2005

a story
she slipped in the door and slid up against me as she brought her lips close to my ear, pulled my hair back and whispered, or at least tried to whisper."hey, i need to tell you something," she said.instantly i wanted what i smelled on her breath and clothes. a heavy drink and a lung full of cloves. it seemed a nice"i think i like him." she only slurred a little."yeah, well....he seems into you.""i think he really likes me." my hair flipped across my face as her hand dropped and she stumbled away from me towards the bathroom. best friend, taking a piss as i went in to talk. i sat on the floor, she sat on....well...."you know you're drunk, right?" i said."yeah...but only a little.""so you're not just saying all this about him because you're drunk.""no, for real. i like him.""you like him?""he likes me, and you know that he likes me.""yes, he has seemed to give off that impression.""are you jealous?!" she giggled and i waited for slilence to begin."promise me you like him and that it's not just the booze talking.""cross my heart, hope to die....but i don't really want to die""no, you won't die. just be careful, okay?" i got up and left, she was drunk but she could get herself out of the bathroom without my babysitting. i waited on the couch.she curled up and bent her knees over my lap and wrapped her fingers around my left hand."promise me you won't hate me if i date him," she said."like, i'd ever hate you. come on. you know me better than that.""i think this is going to be really good.""yeah, just be careful.""stop. i'll be fine.""okay.""it was perfect tonight. we were perfect. everything was perfect."we sat quietly, her body almost entirely in my lap as the alcohol sent her into a restful slumber. when her breathing became heavy i stretched her out on the couch and threw my grandma's old afgan overtop of her. i walked onto the porch. there weren't even any stars to console me. it was cold, i was cold inside. i wanted conversation and hands to keep me warm, but there was neither.an amber glow flicked across my face as i breathed in the warm sweetness of the clove. the soft burn of smoke in my lungs, throat and eyes. there was a gentle snap as i twisted off the bottle cap and let the dark brew slide down past the lungs warmed by smoke. i felt it fall into my empty stomach, cold for an instant before everything was heat. it would only take a few bottles before my insides could no longer feel the cold night and my hands were too numb to notice they held a bottle and a clove instead of a hand. if i drank a few more, and if i drank fast, i could forget the memories of lips against my own. soon i would be warm and sweet and spinning.i love the spins. they help me forget.
posted by bekah @ 10:33 PM 0 comments