November 2004

Sunday, November 21, 2004

last night
last night cam and i bought a 24 oz bottle of heinekin and a package of backwoods cigars and sat on a bench in the xenia park and indulged in pleasure and conversation. we had to use the door of an electric box on the gazebo to open the bottle and it was really amusing. he gave me the most wonderful friendship kiss on the cheek when we got back and were hugging goodnight. i think more boys should do that. i would kiss more boys if i knew they wouldn't get weird about it.hmmm....kisses.....cuddling....friends. that is the perfect combination. i haven't experianced that in quite some time.
posted by bekah @ 11:42 AM 0 comments

Saturday, November 20, 2004

dates
i had a "date" last night with fil quina, the international delight. he broke his rib but still we went out to the movies with carlo and three other people. it was a good time despite fil's discomfort. he paid for my ticket which was super nice of him. tonight i have a "date" with cam. he's been cool lately so we're going to hang out at a coffee shop. should be lovely.this life is nice. i need to write another story on my xanga. this one's going to be about kyle. well...not about him but based on a conversation i had with him, b/c that's the rules of my story.
posted by bekah @ 11:27 AM 0 comments

Thursday, November 18, 2004

what i want.
beer and cigars on a cold fall night with boys. just boys and me. we could talk and sigh and smoke and then could scoot up close to them and smell the smoke and cologne and be happy.
posted by bekah @ 9:19 PM 0 comments

clothing
so people want to borrow my clothes like mad when it's "dress punk/funky/strange" day. and then i got pissed off b/c some guy i know made a comment generalizing that "theatre people only dress like that to get attention. they want people to look at them." what the hell was he thinking!!!! the audacity of such generalization and sterotype. everyone dresses to get attention whether it's to look pretty or attractive or funky. and who says i'm not normal??people are rediculous. it doesn't bother me if people want to dress like everyone else if that's what they really enjoy. personally i don't. and the only reason i stand out is b/c not enough people are comfortable dressing in away to express themselves and be comfortable.to hell with normalicy.
posted by bekah @ 1:11 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

music
i'm going to see a kick ass show tonight. cool hand luke, taylor sorenson, and my favorites, the retail age.beautiful.
posted by bekah @ 11:19 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

explosions
my head is bursting with creativity. why doesn't it hit the paper?come Macbeth, land on my hand and transport your glory through a line and curve. may the set awaken life and reveal death.
posted by bekah @ 1:24 PM 0 comments

Monday, November 15, 2004

friendship
i spent a lovely two hours with david flowers tonight. he cheers my soul. he is kind and conciderate and even asked me stuff about pierce. i told him how i felt more honestly than i've told anyone but kate.everyone's in love but i think that's okay.matt molby asked me to go see the transiberian orchestra with him. is that a date?david bought me coffee and now i'm hyper.i need some inspiration for this set, damn it!has everyone lost their virginity? mine's still heartily intact. thank goodness!other countries lure me.cait thinks i should be a writer. perhaps.God don't let me become dependant upon myself or boys. only You is fine with me.somedays i really miss kyle. we always had fun drinking together.
posted by bekah @ 8:34 PM 0 comments

Saturday, November 13, 2004

a hug
i want a real hug, one from ben, or matt. i want ben to hold me in his arms and sigh with happiness and then put his head on mine and sniff in the scent of my hair. he'd say, "bekah i missed you so much." he wouldn't be able to see my face, but against his chest he could feel my smile, larger than the room. and in that moment all my memories and pains from school and life would coming rushing together before quickly dissapearing in his lovely smell and embrace. we would spend some hours in conversation and laughter just allowing the nearess of each other to comfort and make up for lost time.friendship so beautiful it is not love. love better be deep if it's going to get beyond this.i miss ben and i love ben.
posted by bekah @ 10:12 PM 0 comments

a sceret smile
they love it, only josh knows of my pen name and he's playing along beautifully. he's obsessed with the writing. laura the prof really likes it as well. loves it actually. i wonder what it is that is bringing this about. these little diologues, situations, stories that i'm writing are teaching me a lot about other people and myself. i've taken real life conversations and crafted a story around them, a moment. the main character is an introverted version of myself and i like her. she's almost sad in a way b/c she lives but rarely has blissful moments. i wonder what will come of all this. a novel?sun, my God is faithful.
posted by bekah @ 7:46 AM 0 comments

Thursday, November 11, 2004

dampness
i still have questions. but that's okay, right?i still want love, i'll find it, right?he still makes me smile more than other boys, but i know it will never be. it could never be.i want to say fuck.i want to be in oxford, i want to drink with kyle, i want to smoke, i want to hug ben.i want to know if ben has/does ever liked me.would that be wierd if he says yes?i want to marry my best friend. i want him to wear a kilt.i want God, but i know when i ask that i'm asking for all of his control of my life. i'm selfish so that scares me. but it's the best and most beautiful thing i could ask for, surrender.will you catch me, will hold you me even when i let go?
posted by bekah @ 3:05 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

?
bitching. this was a good day. i am alive.i am homesick for england, for places i've never been.i'm in love with a boy i don't even know. does he exisit. perhaps someday. until then, this life is fun.God is huge.
posted by bekah @ 9:59 PM 0 comments

Monday, November 08, 2004

my new life
i have a pen name. i've convinced at least one so far, but i told him. he gave me the neatest fiber optic lamp i have ever seen. it's from the 60s. but so far, people think it's someone else. my ideas are my own but born from my life and the lives of those around me and smashed into paragraphs i my head.i shall be a writer....at least of small things.
posted by bekah @ 9:22 PM 0 comments

Saturday, November 06, 2004

something settled
now i know his love lies with her, i think i've known for quite some time, it took a while for reality to catch up with this lovely dream.but as i wake up i'm finding that perhaps my reality is far more beautiful than any dream that has painted my thoughts or hopes. this is real, things actually happen, people come, love is born, happiness discovered and joy learned. dreams are temorary pleasures, blown on by the rising sun and seeping back again with sprinkled stars.no, i think i'll take life. dreams are nice once and a while, but today i've realized that life is where i am. i'll keep moving, waiting hurts too much."when hope is gone, i'll call you Savior. when i'm in pain, i'll call you healer."He's all i love and all i fear.
posted by bekah @ 1:27 PM 0 comments

Friday, November 05, 2004

twinges
growing affection or deepening friendship?
posted by bekah @ 6:33 PM 0 comments

Thursday, November 04, 2004

bursts of life
do i like him? i'm not sure but God has extended much grace to me. we played tonight like friends, like children, like.....?time will tell but i'm not waiting around to see. i'll keep living and see what happens.even on shitty days my God knows me, leads me. Oh Thou great Jehovah guide me.
posted by bekah @ 9:10 PM 0 comments