yup

no amount of wishing brings dan closer, or anything closer, really. i want to be closer to finding my job or school, at least where i'm going to end up. anything. i'm not angry or upset. just impatient i suppose, a little too curious to sit around waiting for stuff to happen. i want huge excitement, fireworks in my life. i've always wanted things like that, and for most of my life it's happened, i think i got too used to it during college. now i'm slightly bored.

i wish i lived right next to dan. it's not even that i have to be married right now, it just want to be close enough to him that we can hang out and laugh together, not over some satellite signal thrust through the thin winter air. he makes my life warm, hot at times, but always warm and comfortable. he knows how to make me feel confident and humble all at the same time. how to love and discern. how to pray and to trust. hope.

maybe i could just kidnap him!

i'm sitting here not knowing what to do with my time or evening b/c all i really want to do is hang out with dan.

love. four letters are not enough.

he raised his arms as she pulled his shirt over his head and laid it on the bed next to her, the night's darkness not intense enough to blot out the beautiful lines of his chest. she drew a breath, deep and full of awe. of course she had seen him without his shirt before, but never like this. skin over muscle and bone had never looked so poetic, so perfect and she wanted to touch it, with her mouth, her eyes, her hands, and if possible, her soul.

not long after she felt a tug on her own shirt as he lifted it over her head, turning it inside out in the process. he stopped for a moment, let the dim light from the window reflect off her upright body as he took in the virgin sight. his hands did the initial speaking as he gently and carefully reached out for the fresh newness in his lap. and then he stopped and stared in silence.

"you're beautiful." it was whispered, the most sincere declaration of beauty that had ever been given her. it didn't come only from his eyes, or his hands or his testosterone, although they were all there, but it sighed from the deepest fiber of his love, the part untouched by any hint of darkness.

her eyes smiled, her soul responded but words were not available to return. he left her speechless. never had she felt so loved. in her most vulnerable moment, without trendy clothes, complimentary colors, makeup, and tousled hair, without anything to hide the shape of her body, he had found her exquisite. it was only skin stretched over bones and muscles, curves and lines. it was simple and understated, nothing to protect or enhance. his love for her was perfect in that moment, as the vision of her body was in his eyes.

love, explored and shared more deeply than skin against skin. it was an explosion of the love in their souls that had brought them to that moment of spiritual proportions.

love. four letters are not enough.

David N. Flowers

so i'm realizing i've really fucked up my friendship with david. not quite sure how i did it, or what happend to make me just stop being a friend. but i did, and i hate that i've done that.

i wish i could figure myself out, or fix the pain i caused him and make it all back to the way it was before.

maybe i can.

maybe it's too late.